An Encounter - speak out!

Be warned this may not be the most cheery blog post I have posted on here. It is not meant to be a sympathy post or to get attention. I have used no names where possible, different names to hide individuals, and not used any specifics to keep the post private. I wanted to post it to show anyone that has been in a difficult situation that you are not alone and you should share it. I am in a very good place within myself, possibly the most stable I have been, and I want the chance to reach out to others. Also, working in pastoral care it has made me realise I shouldn't give advice to students I wouldn't follow myself.

In November 2010 I was delighted to hear I was going to be in the ensemble for a professional (paid) Qdos pantomime and the rehearsals were going to take place for five days in London. I was very apprehensive as I had never visited London before and did not know how to use London tubes but was reassured that a female friend from my old dance school was also going. Rehearsals started and we had worked out how to get from the central London train station to the dance space each day. The rehearsals had started off well apart from the usual me being nervous to pick up routines. It seemed like a great bunch of people that I could really gain experience from during this adventure. I was seventeen after all (we always think this is grown-up)?

We started to get wind of there being problems with snow on the news and our director asked us to ensure we checked the train lines each night to stay informed. My friend and I headed out on the train early that morning with our usual dance kit in our bags and odd change for lunch and our phones. We did not expect to be told that evening when we headed to the train station that no trains were going back to Hastings that evening.

Throughout the day it had snowed very heavily stopping all trains from leaving the station. It is now recorded as record low temperatures, travel chaos, and the earliest widespread winter snowfall since 1993. It had become a very scary situation as I did not know anyone to talk to in the cast after two days or have a bank card on me. I felt very vulnerable. I contemplated waiting at the station all evening, but it was freezing from the frequent snow showers and not having enough layers of clothing. The sound technician from the pantomime was also at the station waiting to see if he could head back on a train too. After realising this was not going to happen we realised we were stuck. Neither of us had extra cash on us and neither of us had much battery left on our phones (mines did not have the internet at this point). The kind technician took us to central London, and I bought myself a charger with my remaining money to call my Mum to let her know I was fine and reassured her the company would help.

During this time, I had messaged a friend (*Jackson) that I knew who lived in London. I had stayed friends with him as his family had a home in Bexhill and he would take part in the local Theatre Summer School Project which I would do every year. I wondered if Jackson would have any advice for me as I was not sure what to do. Jackson replied stating he was a little further out in London, but my friend and I could stay there for free for the night if we wanted and eat there. He explained his parents were abroad (this was common) and his brother was also away so we could stay in his room. The kind sound technician let us know he was going to rent a room from a travel lodge and asked us if we wanted to borrow money for us to have one too. At seventeen, I felt I did not want to owe anyone money or owe anything to anyone – it is hard to explain what I believed to be the right thing to do at the time. I did explain to my friend she could if she wanted to but hopefully, this option would be fine and free. We declined the offer and headed underground to use the tubes he had stated to reach Jackson’s house to stay for the night.

Jackson had told me about his home many times and we regularly chatted every fortnight on msn about our lives and our future careers. I was incredibly nervous about finding this house but felt once I got there everything would be okay and we could freshen up for the next day of rehearsals. When we arrived late into the evening, the local area was not how I expected, and we walked past many people sleeping on the street. Arriving at Jackson's home, it was a modern house and a lot more how I expected, inside it seemed as if half of the year it was not much lived in and was very minimalistic. We put our bags in the brother’s room and settled in for the evening. My nerves seemed to reduce, and I reassured my friend everything should now be fine.

We stayed up in the kitchen talking and having a couple of drinks in a house that seemed very smart and tidy. I felt Jackson was doing us a massive favour and I had not seen him in ages so felt like we needed to catch up. Eventually, my tired eyes and yawns shone through and Jackson asked if we wanted to call it a night. I let my friend go down the stairs first and stayed for a few minutes to personally thank him for doing us a good deed for the evening. He acknowledged it was nothing and great to meet up in his hometown even if under strange circumstances.

Downstairs we both quietly discussed the strange events of the day and that we would go to the station again tomorrow to try again. We both then got changed as you would into my shorts and t-shirt ready to go to sleep (lacking many spare clothes). I plugged my phone into the charger and tried to lay out my already worn dance clothes to air for tomorrow. We laid down in his double bed (Jackson had put on clean sheets) smelling of boy’s deodorant and aftershave. After saying good night to each other we rolled over knackered from the day of dancing and fell into a deep sleep.

Suddenly, we were both awoken in the early hours by a male figure staggering through the doorway making a lot of noise. He was knocking over many items around the room as he went along and throwing his bags on the floor. He seemed very alarmed that we were in his room and that he wanted to sleep. We both realised that it was ‘Jackson’s’ brother arriving home earlier (days earlier) than he was expected to. He then continued to stagger around his room opening draws telling us he was going for a shower in his ensuite bathroom. As he went for a shower, I spoke to my friend about maybe I should go to speak to Jackson about this, but we decided he was asleep, and we would be fine.

The male figure appeared in his trunks from the bathroom staggering around. We must have both looked quite shocked as he replied reassuring us everything was fine, and he was a nice guy and he had a girlfriend who he loved. He then proceeded to open his draws to find photographs of his family and his girlfriend that he wanted to marry one day. As we both nodded either side of him sitting on the bed everything seemed ‘normal’ (if this situation can be?). I spoke quietly about how I had known Jackson and how we happened to be here in this room for the night, even laughing along awkwardly. I remember looking at my phone thinking it was very late (2.30 am) and thinking we both had to be up very early. We offered to sleep on the floor, but he had reassured us that we did not need to and due to him having gone out drunk he would fall straight to sleep.

What happened next will always replay in my mind as to why I froze and became numb to do anything (feel free to skip two paragraphs). The male figure then proceeded to jump in between us, under the covers of the large double bed. My friend and I were now separated by a stranger’s large body. It started by him gradually placing a hand on my stomach and chest to then feeling his whole figure pressing against my back (I turned on my side). Over the next fifteen minutes, he continued to pursue as much action as he could. It was a sequence of me pushing him away and saying no, a minute of nothing, and then on repeat. I believe that when he was not trying to be intimate with me, he was trying it on with my friend but to this day I do not know. There were moments when I would move his hands away from my shorts but still want to know he had two hands on me to have a sense of relief that it was not happening to my friend. This continued to escalate and occasionally I would catch the hand of my friend. I was left lying awake in a ball on my side going through a million thoughts in my mind.

Months previous I had told my boyfriend (now ex) that I was not ready to sleep with him and he had respected this, and we hadn’t done anything. To now feel a stranger had abused this made me feel terribly upset and guilty I had not given it to myself before.

‘If I could go back and change the past, be a little braver than I had’ Wonder from High School Musical

I could finally hear this person breathing heavily and making snoring noises next to me and I assumed he had fallen asleep. I laid there frozen in a ball cuddled up on one side not knowing what to do. I didn’t want to move incase it woke anyone up, but I didn’t feel I could get to sleep either. I laid there feeling guilty and that it had been my fault that we were both put in this situation. I felt guilty I had not stood up and made a scene or run away.

I waited the time out and finally, my alarm went off in the early morning hours. My friend had woken up too and the person next to us was still fast asleep. I dragged my bag to the ensuite bathroom jumped in a hot shower, brushed my teeth, and threw on my clothes for my dancing rehearsals the next day. My friend did the same and we were ready to leave the house in record time. I didn’t feel up to talking to Jackson, so I said I didn’t want to wake him to my friend, and we left closing the bedroom door and locking the front door behind us.

We walked from the house to the local café with our dance bags slumped over our shoulders to get a coffee and breakfast before we arrived at the studio for a day’s rehearsal. I remember sitting at the window on a stall chair next to my friends saying, ‘Are you okay?’. She replied she was fine and that ‘that was all a bit strange’. We seemed to laugh it off then nothing was ever said ever again to this day.

That evening we did manage to get a train home and I remember the sigh of relief to come home to my bedroom, shower, and dinner on the table. I reached out on social media that week writing posts that it had been a strange time and friends kindly sent hearts unsure what I was relating to. I decided I did not know how to explain something to friends that I felt was my fault, so I never did. After years past I did decide to share it with partners I dated as I felt it had made an impact on trusting individuals. I have now gone on to realise I will not judge others on one individual’s actions.

For years I have replayed this scene over and over in my head thinking maybe I had done something wrong or could have had a larger part to play in changing what happened. But what I have come to realise is I am now a role model to young people and if someone was to shy away from me or say ‘no’ I would understand as an adult what they meant. I now take the opportunity to ensure young students male or female are responsible to get out of a situation when they do not feel comfortable. I would remind anyone to listen to your feelings because they are speaking to you for a reason. Do not feel guilty for anything that happens to you as your feeling are valid.

I want to reach out to those of us who have had situations that they have found themselves in and felt uncomfortable and we should unite to stand up to others against this. I felt I could not speak to anyone as they would say I should have done something, or I felt I was ‘lucky’ it could have been worse, but this is not the case. I hope others will be able to reach out to me if they are needing guidance or just someone to listen to about how they feel. There are seven billion people in this world - do not let one affect your pathway in life.