COME BACK YEAR 24
‘When you lose faith in everything you ever knew, don’t give up on you.’
In 2023 I went through the biggest heart break of my life. This was off the back of losing my cherished Nan, Covid and some of my closest friends. It all knocked my self-confidence and worth and I didn’t know who I was anymore. I cried more than I smiled and laughed that year. I lost myself. I can admit that I was at my lowest and there were some very dark days. It was a huge wake up call to heal and start loving myself. I had always tried to work on myself, but this pushed me to go even deeper. I decided to work on myself, healing traumas, discussing experiences and changing my beliefs.
My breakup was my recovery. This year I have achieved so much that I cannot believe the lack of what I was doing for myself when in my previous relationship. I learnt that in my previous relationship I focused solely on their happiness and not my own – there was no self-care. Now, I have decided to choose me and rise again and take on starting over. I choose a life balance and live for now, trying to remain in the present moment and not always be prepped encase something happens. I have realised I am in fact as strong as some would say to me, and I am excited for the future.
‘It’s an honour to be with me, like I’m not saying that to be up myself, but I am good person, and I love fully and whole heartedly, and if someone is stupid enough to let that go to waste, then that’s on them. And girls and guys if anyone makes you feel like you’re too much, tell them to go find less, cos you’re not too much, you will never be too much for the right person.’
After a long Christmas where I was booked to get married. I remember actively thinking on New Year’s Eve 2023 and deciding 2024 will not be a repeat of that year. I woke up in the early hours of New Years Day 2024 with my head down the toilet from alcohol which had never happened in my life before and decided this would not repeat. ‘Look at your old life, one last time, inhale deeply, and whisper to yourself. It is time. I am ready for my new story to begin.’ This year was all about looking inwards. When 2023 ended I knew I couldn’t accept where I had landed. I knew that I deserved more and wanted to be brave enough and disciplined to work for more. In January I started straight away journaling each part of my life that I try to balance and decided I would push each area. I set myself silent goals in every area. I decided to accept change and focus on this allowing something better to come along. This was the year I decided to start to change my life. This was the year I decided to choose me. This was the year I started becoming the person I was always meant to be.
Firstly, a big project in 2024 was that I sold my house with my ex-partner and closed the chapter fully. I accepted that people come into our lives to teach us, and I have taken everything from that chapter I needed. I can accept the relationship for what positives it gave me and appreciate the person who became a chapter. Owning and moving into my own tiny part of the world has offered me comfort. When I come home, and I can feel at peace in my own home comforts and unwind by cooking and pottering around this has become my calm.
‘If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t be change you.’
Fitness was a speech bubble on my mind map all to its own when I started the year, but I had no idea where it was going to take me. This year I can truly say I have said yes to any sport related activity asked including rock climbing, ice skating, and swimming.
On the first Saturday of January 2024, I went to my first ever park run. I dreaded turning up thinking of previous memories when I was at secondary school and took part in running and wasn’t classified as good at PE. Being placed in set four PE found it’s way to stay in my brain as this meaning I was not ‘sporty’. I completed that first 5k by walking and running in 37 minutes. It was tough but I already thought to myself I enjoyed the buzz it gave me afterwards. Running has become a massive part of my life challenging myself to new targets each week. I braved it to trial and join the Tunbridge Wells Harriers Running Club who have been really motivating to keep me going though the winter weekdays. I’m also very proud to have ended the year completing a half marathon which pushed me to dig deep to continue to run on a injured knee. I am excited to bring on new fitness challenges for 2025.
‘One of these times it’s going to stick. You are going to start and never stop. And it’s going to change your life.’
I also decided I wanted to continue to audition for LAMP’s and wanted to see if I could improve my dancing skills as an adult. I found it hard to get out of a mental state that I wasn’t as fit as I was at eighteen years old, but I feel I have managed to push through this. I want to be good at dance again for who I am now with a different woman’s figure and a different time schedule. I pushed myself for the first time since Dance college after nearly eight years to head back into Pineapple for dance classes.
Another area I wanted to focus on was to take care of my body and health more this year. I now ensure that I attend my appointments if it is anything to do with my health. I attend the dentists, hygienists, physiotherapists, doctors, hairdressers, and beauticians regularly which is a huge difference. I used to cancel them all or rebook and put work or other people first. Through attending these appointments, I discovered I have endometriosis and am lactose intolerant which I am now doing my research to help.
I want to try to take my vitamins, eat healthy and drink water regularly through the working day to ensure I have the body to push through sport in many years to come. All of this has helped contribute to feeling more confident and now there are days I don’t wear foundation and makeup to work or to run. I have also decided that I can wear what I feel confident in and have introduced colour and fitted clothes as I am proud of what I look like. Including wearing a lace all in one outfit for New Year’s Eve 2024 which I would never have had the confidence to wear many years who.
‘If it’s the last thing that you do, don’t give up on you. There’s no one like you, yeah, no one is ever going to find another like you.’
Another area of change has been organising trips with my family. It has been great to create more memories with them and to experience new places together. It has also been brilliant to pass my driving test and now be on the road allowing me to show up and be present with my family. And for the first time in my life, we have a planned holiday together in 2025 which was something I wanted but did not feel would happen.
It was tough leaving a job in London that I loved. I struggled to accept I had left it behind. But I realised maybe there was always a message in this new placement. I’ve had to learn that there will be people that will think I’m not qualified. I realised through therapy I had struggled with imposter syndrome and that people would see I wasn’t up to scratch so I would work myself into the ground to be enough. There will be people that never understand me and won’t cheer me on, and I am okay without their approval. I do not do it for them. I have learnt through this placement to find happiness in the day to day and let go once I get home that I did enough that day.
Through therapy I now look at life differently and try to remind myself that I cannot control or predict every possible solution of what can happen. And like Cat Burns says, ‘I know everything is temporary, I am not the things that happen to me, finding joy in all the little things, and getting comfortable in my own skin.’ I know tune into how I am feeling each day and try to notice the physical signs or sit with how I feel as an answer to what I should do next. I used to hate feeling deeply about situations that arose and wanted to be someone who didn’t care. But now I see it as a superpower that I have.
‘The people around you are either your expanders, or your cage, choose wisely.’
In the last eighteen months my friendship circle has changed hugely. Two people who would have been at my previous “wedding” walking me down the aisle I no longer speak to. This has helped me zone into the close friendships that have stayed during this time, and I cannot thank those individuals enough for their love. Also, in 2024 there have been new friendships that have entered my life, and I can feel the warmth from my laughter during our adventures and the energy these individuals give me back. 2024 has taught me how important love and laughter are from friendships.
This is now my ‘I will do whatever makes me happy era’ and I say yes to going out midweek or during a work week. I say yes to being adventurous even if there is a slight risk. I continue to enjoy connecting with individuals and being open to this new chapter. When I started out this year, I realised I was not ready to be in another relationship and would use all my time to focus on me.
‘Be grateful for closed doors, bad vibes, and things that fall apart. It’s divine protection from people, places and things no longer in alignment with your soul.’
I found it hard to realise that some people you meet aren’t kind and I don’t need to fix them or make their lives better. I found it hard to accept some people will go about their day regardless of how their actions make you feel.
‘I am not a maybe, I am not a second choice, or an option or when it is convenient and definitely not a wait and see. I am a yes for someone. Love is a decision. Commitment is a decision. I will no longer be the person someone comes to because they realise ‘I am great’ down the line.’ I’m at a point in my life where I want to be loved correctly or left alone completely. No in between. No second chances. I know that I am ready and open to love when it happens. I know what I can offer and give someone in a relationship.
‘You are enough, just as you are. At your absolute best you will still not be good enough for the wrong person. But at your worse, you will still be worth it for the right person. Your worth does not diminish based on someone’s ability to see it. ‘
My person is out there but I won’t be waiting for them. I am determined to live this chapter and give it everything and enjoy myself. This year has been hard, I dug deep but got to see so many highlights of what is out there in the world. I’m excited and I know that my 30’s are where this journey has started.
For the first time in my life, I can truly say to myself I am proud of what I have achieved this last year. I had to fight back. This year I made decisions following my own happiness and intuition not believing in someone else’s. I am worthy of being loved and being someone’s first choice. I am also excited for 2025 to take on new challenges and create new memories with my loved friends and family.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. I know see those glimmers. And our happiness and health are the most important. I think if you can prioritize these two things then this is the most important. I know there will always be something to sort, whenever you resolve one area another will crop up. I know its key to find happiness in the small things no matter what is running alongside. It’s how we react to a situation, not the situation that has happened.
‘You are the only one that can ever stop you. One of these times you will make the way it is become the way it was. It may not be the next time, but it will be one of the times. Not everything is doomed to end. You are not destined for mediocrity. Never stop starting, because that is the only way it will work.’
Kerry, you will find your home, you will find your place, you will find your people, you will find yourself. Give it time but it will happen. I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow…but I do know I will fight for it. It’s time for our next adventure in 2025…
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