Do you think men can be friends with women? Has anyone watched the romantic comedy 'When Harry Met Sally'? This is a question I have always looked up the answer to or asked people around me and everyone will always answer ‘Yes but…’. Is it destined that there will always be difficulties when becoming close friends with the opposite gender/sexuality?
One reflection I have had is that I have always become friends with males throughout my life. I do not know if this is due to not having a male influence when I was growing up as I did not have a Dad on the scene. Or maybe it is due to the fact I spent a lot of my childhood in the company of my male cousin? I do not know if there are reasons why at every school or job, I have formed bonds with male friends? Is it simply the fact that I have connected with them?
When looking up the definition of ‘Friendship’ it gives you the following answers. ‘The emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends’ and ‘a state of mutual trust and support between allied nations.’ It does not question sexuality or gender with its description. I believe you are drawn to certain types of people with the same energy as yourself.
When I went to Primary School, I was friends with boys and invited boys to my birthday roller skating party or my tenth birthday disco. I would visit the latest ‘boyfriend’s’ house for tea and enjoy spending my lunchtimes in the company of boys in my class. Even at this young age girls would take the mickey and say ‘Am I trying to be cool?’. I also spent my childhood attending all my cousin’s birthday parties with his male friends including Go Karting (much better than a girly party!). When I finished Year Six, I had one close female friend and the rest were male.
When joining Secondary School, I did form a group of girls that I spent nearly every day surrounded with and any time outside of school would be spent at my best friend’s house for tea. During those early Secondary years, I tried extremely hard to write and stay in touch with my friends from Year 6 but as time went on it, it became impossible to meet up. Throughout Secondary School I continued to dance and was partnered with boys to compete in duets at different festivals in the southeast. This was a nice time during the dance lessons as I found I could chat with these new male friends during rehearsals and they were always understanding (probably nodding to shut me up). During Secondary School I also spent summers at Summer Schools taking part in theatre and dance projects. I became close friends with males even if they were not in the dancing ‘ensemble’. These males I would invite round my house for tea or stay as it would shorten their trip into rehearsals in the morning. I felt as if these male friends did not require me to explain my life to them and they did not judge my living situation. Girls would ask me when back at rehearsal ‘is he gay’ or ‘do you fancy him’ to which at fourteen/fifteen I didn’t feel I had an answer to them apart from that he was my friend.
Joining Sixth Form I was extremely nervous as I did not know anyone as I had chosen to move away from all my closest friends from my Secondary School. When I joined, I was incredibly lucky and thoroughly enjoyed meeting everyone in my classes. After a few months, I settled in and became friends with a lot of people quite quickly. I loved the sixth form and it became apparent quickly that I would have a lot of memories in those two years.
I became close friends to a male in my math and science classes. This male friend I ended up calling my ‘brother’ and spending most evenings around his house watching TV, snacking away or just chilling before heading out. At the time I received pressure from surrounding peers to either ‘date’ this person or ‘sack it off’. A lot of females around me gave me a lot of feedback as to why I was bothering with this person. I persevered with our friendship no matter what people had to say as I believed the good in this individual as they had only ever been nice to me. Then I did start dating someone in Sixth Form which piled pressure further as friends would suggest it was weird to be dating someone and still have a friendship with another boy.
After Sixth Form I moved to London. I continued to stay awfully close with my ‘brother’ ensuring I would return for special occasions and ensure I would always be on the phone to support him or return home if needed. Again, while I was away, I dated someone new who again piled on the pressure suggesting it was ‘weird’ to still be speaking to this person but giving no reasons why. Again, I ignored stern directions of being told it is either them or me by my other half to continue my friendship. Sadly, my ‘brother’ then started to date someone, and the friendship seemed to die entirely. We struggled to even speak amicably to each other. Some studies state that when a new person enters into someone's life, he or she displaces two others in their close circle, normally a family friend.
‘True friends are families which you can select’ Audrey Hepburn.
When I started a dance school in London, I struggled to become close friends with any girls that I danced with. Once I started working, I made friends and again enjoyed the company of surrounding male work colleagues at the theatre. The chilled vibe they had every shift and the easy-going nature they would have every break time made friendship seem effortless. They did not need me to prove my friendship or need to know everything about my life every shift but were quietly helpful and caring all the same.
I joined Camp Beaumont that year too and made close friends with a lot of the male staff. It seemed to put off girls and make them think I was a closed person when really the guys were just easy to sit with. I could spend breaks in my hoodie no makeup on and chill in the sun rather than compare the latest gossip in the office. Two males I became friends with at this camp are still my buddies now four and a half years on. One has dated someone during this whole time and happily still welcomes me the same and talks to me as if nothing has changed which is very warming.
I then started dancing again in a local theatre group where my closest friend was again male. Once again, I got a bit of a tough time and messages circulated I wanted to ‘date’ this person or did I fancy this person. To me, this person was friendly, shared my interests and was very caring so I did not think anything wrong of getting to know them. And as that year went on, I ended up seeing him and spending time together every couple of days.
When becoming friends with anyone I believe it does not matter what gender you are, or what your sexual preferences may be. It is formed because we have similar interests or outlooks on life. When I shared memories with that person it was because I had every intention and energy they would continue to be in my life in the future. Over the years, close male friends that I shared memories with over many months or years would then start dating someone and our friendship would start disappearing. I would not be invited to occasions, not see their family anymore and not told family news. This has often been upsetting as I want the best for all my friends and I want to continue to be happy for that person no matter who they are with, regardless of whether they are dating someone or not. To disappear from someone’s life is incredibly upsetting.
As I have got older gradually male friends who were close to me starting distancing themselves. I understand everyone’s lives become different but we all surely think seeing friends is healthy. I also understand males and females search for different types of ‘friendship’ but what confuses me is why it changes. If you and your partner trust each other it should not matter the sexuality or gender of a friend to determine if they can text, laugh or meet up together. If we were in relationships where we were told to stay inside and not see or speak to our girl friend’s alarm bells would ring so why isn’t it the same with the opposite sex? Surely, if we are nervous or uneasy about our partner talking to people that are their sexual preference, then maybe it is something we need to reflect upon ourselves?
Overall, maybe the friendships I have chosen to give my time to were always set up to fail and were always going to struggle long term. I am incredibly lucky to be in a relationship that allows me to continue to be with friends whoever I choose and that there is a level of trust whenever I go out. I am also lucky to still have close male friends and friends are what we need no matter who they are. Every day, and especially now during quarantine, we should all be there for each other no matter what circumstances.
‘And the boyfriends they change, and so will our second names, but the one thing stays the same is us’ Ella Henderson.
Please take this as a reminder to check up on a distant friend today to ensure they are doing okay. Also, please do let me know your thoughts or stories you have about friendships.
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