Father's Day.

Today, the 21st of June brings a day marked Father's Day. Every year it is a gentle reminder that my father is somewhere in the United Kingdom taking no interest in his daughter. I have never grown up longing for him to be in my life or felt I needed him in my life to make it any more fulfilled. If anything I have always been keen for him to pop up one day just for me to let him know that I am in a really good place and I don’t need him to enter it to change anything. Every day, I feel no emotions about not having a father. I do like seeing fathers out with their children and am always humbled to see any single parent working hard to raise their children.

I have grown up always being told I look identical to my Mum and the family members on my Mum's side, so I have never felt like I did not belong. I have always seen photos of him, and they were not hidden away, and I can see I get my dark features from both of my parents. I have also always been little in height and had small features. I understand my father was small for a male figure. I was always told he liked to take risks and was fiery which at times I can see in myself too.

Overall, I have always grown up with a supportive family and my grandparents were fantastic at filling any gap I could possibly imagine from his walkout. I grew up asking questions and the answers seemed satisfactory enough to explain what had happened. He was not a nice individual for whatever reason towards my mother, so they split up. It seemed he had contact with me as a baby and his family did for a few more years but then when I grew out of childhood no more cards were sent.

‘The greatest legacy we can leave our children is happy memories’.

When I was in Secondary School a couple of years had rolled by and a new girl joined my year group. Her surname ended in my fathers and I was always told if it had the same spelling it would be linked as it was quite rare. The new girl that joined seemed pretty ‘cool’ so I wasn’t sure how I was going to approach the subject. One evening on Facebook I was searching through and I found the new girl’s site and decided to ask her. After asking her a couple of questions it did seem to appear that she was the stepdaughter of one of my father’s brothers.

After a few weeks and the uncles taking interest in this, they added me on Facebook messaging me to say that there was not any point in chasing my father as he was off doing his own thing. It appeared my father had moved away and separated himself from their family building business. None the less I thought I should try so I was given the phone number that my uncle believed was their home number. I was told that at the time he had a new partner and was bringing up a son (that possibly was his or he was a stepson).

For days I stared at the paper with the number and could not bring myself to ring it. Then one evening after school I was in my room and decided to call it. A lady answered and I presumed she was his new partner. She asked my name which I replied ‘Kerry’ and said I was looking to speak to my father’s ‘name’. She replied saying he had nothing to say so I did not need to call again and then the phone call went silent. I remember thinking could I have played out that call any different to see if I would have got further.

‘To be in your child’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today’ – Barbara Johnson

There have been times when I wish I could be given the opportunity to sit across the table from him. I have wished I could use my energy to stick up for myself against him walking away. Or so I could make him realise what I have achieved and that he has missed out on all of it. Also, I don't want my children one day to miss out on a grandparent due to him being selfish. To make him see the person I am today has not been of any gratitude to him. I then realised that by me living every day and working hard it is showing myself I can do without his helping hand.

My other half and so many of my friends I know are in very similar positions which doesn't necessarily make it easier but it does allow us to talk about the feeling of being brought up with a single parent to turn to. Saying this I do believe in a happy home and if you are with someone that doesn’t make you happy this will have further effects on your child than being a single happy one.

I have been incredibly lucky to have a wonderful Mum and Nan throughout my life that have always held out their hands to support me along the way. My Nan as everyone knows was one of the greatest role models in my life and growing up wanting to make her proud was a massive achievement for me. My Mum always worked hard and showed me constantly to get back up and try again if you want to achieve something. She gave me the focus and direction to keep working at tasks that I may not achieve first out of everyone or may not have got the quickest.

‘Your children will become who you are, so be who you want them to be’.

I do not know how much it may have affected my teenage years or of growing up and dating male figures without a male influence in my life. But I do know that I adore children and love listening to teenagers about how they feel about the role models in their lives. One day I do hope to have my own children and be a role model they can learn from and confide in with anything they may have done. I also hope that I will never push away any child whether that be adopted or step or a family friend. Every day is a gift with a child, no matter what problems you have.

'When I think of my mother, no one compares to her' Ann-Marie.