Some people would say ‘Is it scary to fall in love?’ The first time it isn’t at all because it’s natural and the best feeling in the world. But the second time it’s terrifying as it was so easy the first time before it went wrong. Now I sit with the fear of visualising dreams that will only one day be taken again.
I wanted to write about this subject as a blog post as I didn’t have anywhere to go to discuss what happened when it was happening to me. No one around me was discussing breakups and from the outlook, it felt like I had failed. When I was younger I felt as if people check on my relationships but once older and in a long-term one, no one asks anymore. I had always dreamed of creating a family and getting married but now I realise that this isn’t a finish line it’s about the memories in between.
‘You took my heart and gave it a home… but now love has had its say and we’re moving apart.'
We were happy. None of us had done anything ‘wrong’. Not ‘wrong’ in the terms of looking it up on google and spotting a red flag but somehow, we had reached a crossroads of what to do next even though we smiled every day. We knew something was missing and we couldn’t fix it no matter how strong our friendship was. But this didn’t seem to help make the decision any easier.
Heartbreak is a strange term as I believe it can happen in many different scenarios. When I lost my Nan there have been many times over the last three years when I have felt heartbroken and alone. It has become more normalised as I have learned to accept but there are still very painful times when I miss her. I compare losing someone as a partner of over seven years to that grief. But during grief people around you check in on you whilst losing your best mate people do it less.
The initial discussion sent my brain into shock that this could even be a conversation we were having suddenly. Then there were moments of denial that it was even happening and pretending it was just a long holiday break. Then moments of pain made me feel sick every day unable to eat or settle to sleep. Or the moments when I was reminded of a previous memory when carrying out certain activities. Even to the small moments of changing important details on a form or signing a card alone. Next moments of undying guilt on my shoulders for not being good enough or not trying hard enough in the relationship. Also, guilty to those around me that I had made promises that I could no longer commit to. Lastly, moments of feeling angry that I had spent time dreaming and planning for something that was no longer going to happen. Days of giving everything I had to make someone happy with no happy ending.
‘Someone who loves you won’t hurt you, because someone who loves you won’t put themselves in a position to lose you. If somebody doesn’t want to stay in your life, let them leave.’
Closing the chapter of any story is difficult but when you care about the person it can be even more challenging to say it has ‘ended’ and you will no longer be together. I remember meeting him for the first time in the Summer Camp hut in Mill Hill helping with his registers. I remember our first date at Prezzo when I paid the bill as his card was rejected and I changed my heels on the bus as I didn’t want to seem too dressed up. There are countless memories of holidays around the world including in Australia. Then trips around London and endless evenings of laughter where I'd have to run to the toilet. Also, many times when we both supported each other through my nan’s passing and difficult times in covid. That person grew into my very best friend and sidekick in life.
I knew from the minute the conversation had ended it was going to be difficult but didn’t realise how much. When you’ve been dedicated to one person for over seven years, lived together every night for over three years, and never decided on dates/plans without them it felt very lost. Waking up making plans alone, taking one day at a time, and cooking for myself seemed totally overwhelming. But in time, I started to look at this in a new way to discover what I really want for myself during those decisions. I decided to use the time to reflect on myself and the decisions I made during those seven years. I have been able to reflect and start a journey of self-discovery I had yet done. I have decided to look at the reason behind the person I am and the relationships I form.
‘I let you go because I don’t deserve to hold on to something that is not there, I chose to let you go because I don’t deserve the love I have to force, and you don’t deserve to have to feel something you can’t.
'You never know how strong you are until you forgive someone who wasn't sorry, or accept an apology you won't receive. Forgiveness is for yourself not for others.'
It was difficult initially to open this topic with close friends and colleagues as I felt I had let people down around me. It was difficult to raise a topic and not just go along with similar answers to questions asked. I felt I should have done something sooner or been more alert to something but had missed it. I didn’t want to let others down around me too. You suddenly feel surrounded and are reminded by friends and family that are living the dream you had once pictured. In time I have learned to accept it. I look back and am grateful for the memories I had and shared with someone special. Someone that was there for me every evening and was never unkind. Someone that listened and gave me faith in men once again. I will cherish that I was given many years with someone very special that others won’t be. ‘I thank God you came into my life’ Tim Gallagher.
'I tried to be enough for you, I tried to make your stay, I tried to love your heart back together, but in the end, I can’t fix what was not there.’
I have discovered it is a journey for me to discover once again what makes me laugh and smile. What I want the next ten years to be and who I want to spend them with. It's alright. I will allow myself to sit around depressed for a minute and cry about it, and do whatever I have to but I will not allow myself to stay there too long. I will get up and get on with my life. I will make sure I don’t stay there and go out to enjoy exploring more of the world around me. I am excited to rebuild myself back up and explore a new town focusing back on performing arts which I love. I do believe that I work hard every day and the powers above will make it happen. I believe that I am the creator of my next journey and I can plan where I want to be next.
‘When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person that walked into it.'
I can look at my past relationships and cherish the good qualities but also learn from the mistakes and the changes I want. Life is about connections and I strongly believe in the ones I have made throughout my twenties. I know the past has shaped the person I am, and I am excited to meet someone new to hear about their past experiences. I am ready to grab life by the horns and focus on the life and environment I want to be in for the rest of my life. I will be ready in time to meet someone who wakes up every day and loves me. I want to be with someone who lights up when I walk into a room. This is only the beginning of my story and the adventures to happen.
And I want people to read this and not feel alone if this happens to them. Remember that you did nothing wrong to expect the same energy and honesty from someone that you were giving them. I want everyone to know that they are loved even on the days when they don’t feel like it and they are never alone.
‘What if you didn’t get what you wanted because you deserve something better? What if it turns out better than you could have ever imagined? What if all the changes that you are making in your life right now are leading to something more beautiful than you could have ever envisioned? Yes, things could go wrong, yes things could go sideways but they could also turn into a beautiful miracle.'