Has anyone set themselves a New Year’s resolution this year? To possibly give up alcohol, join the gym, eat less chocolate, quit smoking, or commit to running each week? Or feel like you've set one and it's already impossible to keep up with. I have decided I will be looking at it differently this year.
Heading into the new year we find ourselves reflecting on the last year and where we are at - a checkpoint to review what progress we have made or the losses we have felt throughout the year. Some of it leaves us feeling we have not met the goals we wanted to and feeling not successful. Or other events happened this year where we are entering next year leaving people behind. It’s normally a time on social media to see posts about a ‘new year new me’ but this year I do not fancy being a new me, I am happy as me.
2023 was a difficult year. I shed more tears than I had ever shed before. It was a year filled with loneliness and a broken heart that I repaired piece by piece. It was a year I either faced or ran away from. ‘Go right through it, like right through it, feel it, be in it, don’t avoid it, go completely in it, feel everything, and then go right through and get out the other end. For many of these things you don’t have a choice, you know it’s that expression it’s how well you walk through the fire, but you walk through it.’ I realised that if I hadn't fallen so hard I wouldn't have been forced to learn how to get back up. Or if the door hadn't shut in front of me I wouldn't have searched for a new open door. Or if I hadn't of been rejected I wouldn't have learned to regrow. I've realised we all have to experience discomfort to discover ourseleves.
It was also a year that I faced fears. I realised I wanted to be the happiest I could be and learn the most I could about myself. Along the way, I also danced, ran, explored, and took part in adventures I never would have done before. I realised I had always spent time trying to like things that I thought someone wanted to make them happy. I sat and learnt what music I like to listen to what colours I want to wear or what my evenings can look like to make me feel good.
I am pleased to look back at 2023 as at points it did feel overwhelming. Throughout 2023 I took time every week to attend therapy and listen to podcasts. I worked really hard to challenge myself out of my comfort zone which at times felt very uncomfortable. It was a year I was forced to return to basics having come straight out of Covid and then faced with being in a new town alone picking up a broken-down engagement. It gave me 365 days of time alone spent with my own thoughts to decide in every aspect the why behind the decisions I made.
I sit in 2024 with this being the first year I accept I did not achieve specific goals set out last year, but I did not fail. I realised the peace I was seeking was something in my control all along. I do not need to spend months of evenings punishing myself for this. This year was a year I worked mentally hard and needed to focus on my own well-being and change habits. I am entering 2024 viewing the world differently and looking at my triggers and values. I realised I was always searching for pieces that I could find in myself.
As a result, I entered 2024 walking away from individuals who were close friends and blocking ex-partners or ex-partners blocking me. This at the time left me worrying about what I had done wrong, but I now realise that people grow in different ways. I realise it is okay for this to happen and that I can miss them from afar and yet it doesn’t mean they are meant to remain as part of my story. I strongly believe that the universe will show me signs, and these were signs I was exactly where I was meant to be.
I was told when I was younger as a dancer identifying my mistakes or changes needed meant I was already halfway there. And then being open and willing to go on a journey to change them meant I would never return. I now sit observing people on a tube or watch parents pick up their children from school or meet new people and realise my outlook has changed.
This year has been about changing my mindset. It has been a very emotional year and I have sat in my thoughts a lot. There have been points where I felt like I was emotionally drowning. I grew up with a quote on my wall 'Never fear a storm, learn to dance in the rain' and this year I have truly felt that.
Firstly, I learnt ‘you can’t fool yourself that you don't care about things that you do care about. It's not all about me, and even though I was in pain it's worth sticking around to maybe make my little corner of the world a slightly better place. Happiness is amazing, it's so amazing it doesn't always matter if it’s yours or not.’
I can now walk down the street and smile at a puppy with a new couple or help an elderly lady at Age UK with her shopping. I've learnt to find new glimmers that passed me by before while I was speed walking through London town streets. Or in having a fresh vegetable stir fry mid-week or sitting down to watch 'Afterlife' or a disney movie with a hot drink. Or meeting new people who teach me a new way of thinking about a topic or a clear sky filled with stars in the evening while walking home. Or spotting the clock at 22.22 and thinking my nans is saying you did well today. Or being with family laughing over something or watching a show I’ve never heard of with a friend.
I want to be what I am looking for in a person. I faced some harsh words last year from individuals who are no longer part of my story and for the first time decided to look inwards. I realised I needed to be emotionally available and open to people to expect them to connect with me and it’s not my job to make it happen for them.
I am thankful for a healthy family and having met so many wonderful new people and having old friendships return. I’m thankful for the place I spent two years and got to call my very first wonderful home and cook meals I had learnt from covid to host events for the first time.
I am so lucky for the friends and family I have in the world. I am surrounded by such good people and look at them individually and know them.
This year in 2024 I want to continue to reach out to new people and listen to their stories. I know that everyone is on a journey, and we can meet people on that journey together – no one is fully healed. I’m excited to continue to develop this version of myself and continue to find the deeper meaning of life.
Comments