A story I am yet to tell or discuss with many was my move to London in 2011, the capital of the UK. A city I had visited on one occasion when learning the choreography for a show the previous year. It most definitely defined the person I am today. As I am approaching my ten-year anniversary of living in the city, I thought it would be a perfect time to remember.
I moved from a Secondary School in Battle, East Sussex with a population of 6,100 people. To then move and live in the capital city with a population of 8.9 million people. At the time close friends and family reassured me the move would be easy as I was a ‘strong’ person or that it ‘wasn’t far away’ to go to. I was yet to realise no matter where you go it can feel like a million miles away.
When I moved to London for my first year, I stayed in a camp bed in a spare room of a distant family friend I hadn’t met before. The first year in London was definitely the toughest and probably was the loneliest I have ever felt in my entire life. I never wanted to tell any of my family as I felt it would make me look ‘weak’ and allow people to confirm their statements of ‘I told you so’ to not dance. It also wasn’t a question people really wanted to hear the answer to. If you would suggest ‘it’s tough’ friends would speak over and compare with a story of their own. It also wasn’t an answer my family had time for as there were more ‘urgent’ issues to handle.
When I started Dance College at Urdang Academy in 2011 I was very excited and nervous to go. It was a difficult time balancing my passion for dance and my lack of experience compared to peers alongside myself. We were expected to be in class on the barre by 7.45 am every morning for ballet lessons with no layers on to keep warm (completing our own warm-up). It would take me roughly one and a half hours to get from where I was staying to Urdang. Being on the tube by 6.15 am every morning was a tough slog especially in the early cold winter mornings. Classes were enjoyable and teachers were inspirational which supported my overwhelming growth in musical theatre. Classes were also competitive but there was always an atmosphere of being better than your peers which left it very difficult to make ‘friends’. This really showed me you can be surrounded by people everywhere but none of them make you feel less alone.
I remember an occasion clearly in the early days when I had to change a tube on the route, I got to college every day at Kings Cross. On this occasion I found myself having severe anxiety resulting in a panic attack and having to leave the station to go outside as the Piccadilly Line was closed and my phone had died, and I didn’t know how to get back. The physical exhaustion of the day and not knowing anyone to ask had made me overwhelmed with panic. Eventually, a kind TFL staff guide wrote out a route of jubilee lines and buses to get me back.
Weekdays came with challenges, but weekends were definitely the toughest. I had always grown up in a household that was busy, filled with visitors, and always had places to be. Every weekend I would plan my routine to detail to avoid feeling depressed and sitting with alone time every evening. I would pass time in the daytime by visiting the library to get out of the house early on, then midday I would walk around and around the park to pass further time. Then every late afternoon I would walk to fetch my groceries from the shop and collect a magazine to read in the evening. This would allow myself ‘jobs’ to do in the evening to fill time otherwise I wouldn’t be tired enough to fall asleep. I definitely am proud of myself for how I handled lonely dark nights awake or days where I wandered endlessly for answers or listened to loud music.
I decided to work very hard and dedicate all my energy to the classes every day. The singing teacher and ballet teacher were supportive and seemed to believe in my potential which kept me going from day to day. Months did pass and it gradually became summer making it easy again to get up and light when I’d finish college. Unfortunately, I would still be left feeling rejected and lonely every evening and weekend making it very difficult to show ‘confidence’ in classes. I would always hear girls talking about how I wouldn’t ‘make it’ because I didn’t stand out. A lot of girls smoked at Dance College for numerous reasons and I even tried smoking for a week to see if it would make me more chilled out or ‘cooler’ but I decided I hated it. When I stepped into class every day to perform ‘confident’ street dance or heeled routines it seemed a million miles away from how I felt inside. It is true what quotes say, ‘before you judge, understand why’.
People did always say ‘you can call me’ or ‘I’ll be there’ or ‘I’ll visit’ but the problem is people’s lives move on and are too busy to check in with others. Sometimes a text from someone is them seeking your interaction even without them asking. It was a difficult conversation to start with someone when they are filled with excitement about their recent term at University.
Overall, Dance College changed my life and was a blurred experience filled with sadness but also some of my proudest moments. It was something I had done for myself and spent four years dedicating over twelve hours a day to become the best version of myself I could. I do remember highlights of shows, agent calls, and auditions with joy for all the hard work I was putting in. Sadly, moments are only as happy as the surrounding people you share them with.
When I decided to move for the fifth time in London to North Finchley in Summer 2015 it was a life-changer. It was the start of making close friends, outings with colleagues, visiting our ‘local’, and most importantly a place I now call my other ‘home’. North London is where I feel at home. Undeniably, it becomes home because I met someone, I want to spend the rest of my life with. Also, I met friends that I hope to see become old and that I genuinely want to see be successful.
I don’t think I will live in London forever and I do want to move closer to East Sussex. But moving to London taught me to appreciate others around us and how important it is to ‘listen’, open our eyes and ears to what is going on around us. Living in London also taught me what makes ‘home’ home and how important people play in making that move easier. If and when I move again, no matter how far in distance it is, I know what important steps I need to make.
“Life is just a Journey” – Princess Diana
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