Turning 30.

Recovery.

'Here's the thing about her - that women is a force to be reckoned with. She has seen her fair share of trials and heartache that would bring most people to their knees. Not her, she maintains a peace about her and carries herself with grace but holds fire behind her eyes - that's the woman you want in your corner, she will fight with you, for you, beside you. Don't underestimate her, don't take her for granted.'

I started writing blogs on this platform three years ago, after my nan had just passed away and at the beginning of January 2020. It was three years to go until I turned 30 years of age. Covid-19 was just starting to be detected and there were news articles about an upcoming spring lockdown. When I started this blog, I wanted to document how it felt to turn 30 and then it quickly became a well-being platform throughout covid to allow myself time to think. I didn’t realise the detailed plans that I had were going to completely change. Now having turned 30, I realise that it’s okay to need to change plans set out and it doesn’t mean I have failed.

When faced with turning 30 years old it felt difficult. There was suddenly a wave of feeling alone. Everyone from the outside appeared to be starting families or moving away and had left making it difficult to see individuals. Also, when viewing social media, it’s tricky to not believe that everyone has happy relationships with healthy families and happiness at work.

'We have the chance to turn the pages over, we can write what we want to write, we gotta make ends meet before we get much older. We're all someone's daughter, we're all someone's son, how long can we look at each other, down the barrier of a gun?'

I always thought that I was someone who tried to find solutions no matter what the hurdle was and someone who pushed through something that was told to me that I couldn’t do. It was tough in my teenage years as it is for anyone, I’m sure. I also wrote in a previous blog that moving to London and starting out at Dance College alone was also tough, but I had never thought it could become overwhelming. In September 2022 I tried my traditional methods of throwing myself into a new full-time job and starting any new projects I could find. I sent emails and researched online to find anything I could get involved in. Suddenly, weeks went by, and I was struggling to box emotions that I would normally be able to do.

I wanted to get better quickly and ignore how I was feeling so I rushed into everything. I joined Tinder and tried to stomach finding love online. Then I had tens of messages online and I didn’t want to reply to any of them – then I was left feeling worse as a person for not responding. I would then delete them all to reverse it to stop feeling guilty and then I felt like a bad person for not trying to get out of the rut I was in. I also agreed to any task at my new workplace to feel needed but again became stressed that I couldn’t achieve it to the level I wanted to.

Everyday tasks suddenly became overwhelming. I had always thought that at dance school you push through aching bodies and tiredness, but this felt different. Physically my body always felt heavy and tired. I struggled to eat food or not feel sick to want to eat food. In 6 weeks, I knew I had lost a stone and was struggling. Emotionally, I was crying at work, and if I got the bus somewhere and certain songs came on. Or if I was at home and I spotted a happy post online. It was also particularly tricky to listen to people talking about having children or getting married and not feel upset. But then I would feel guilty that I felt upset at that moment which was their moment of happiness.

Christmas 2022 I felt at my lowest and realised I needed to reach out to others around me and seek support to get out. I knew that there were people around me but it felt as if they were in their own bubbles and I was burdening them. I finally realised it was about me choosing myself to get better and change the same cycle. And to choose life. We are all so lucky that we may have another fifty-odd years and get to choose how they are spent. I decided to grab life and make changes.

I have been learning a lot about myself and there is so much out there through podcasts, books, and counseling. It’s important to look at deep routed feelings and why relationships with family or friends make us feel certain ways. We learn that what we experienced as a child or teenager then shapes how we handle decisions or mask emotions as young adults.

I learnt that there were occasions when I was upset but I would say ‘I am fine’. Every time something happened it was as if I was holding my breath a little more. I have realised there is no point in trying to control situations. We don’t know where anyone will be in the next six months, or a year’s time. But we can choose the people we are surrounded by. However, people will at times come and go to teach us. I have learnt that experiences can be a better use of money, which is something I wasn’t taught when growing up. Also, that comparison is the thief of joy and everyone is carrying their journey.

I had always practised temporary satisfaction from work or from setting myself projects that getting quick fixes for this upset was now no longer soothing enough. I’m learning to enjoy my own company and sitting on the sofa to watch a series or read doesn’t mean that I am not being successful that day. In the work environment, I have learnt to stop apologizing for being an organised person and being passionate about working with young people.

Attending social events was really hard to start with as I felt an expectation to be spirited and answer the questions that I was fine. But slowly I am enjoying social events again and not just sitting there analysing what I am doing. I learnt that no matter how scared I was of meeting new people or rejection I would have to fail to experience the best times again.

I used to fear turning 30, having not achieved everything I had set out. But slowly now I’m looking forward to enjoying my 30s more than my 20s. I am discovering what I want my career to entail and activities that I really enjoy rather than being swayed to make sure someone is happy with me.

It hasn’t been easy at all and every week there are still times when I get home late and am alone, feeling I have let everyone down. Or work projects my brain doesn’t seem to fire as quickly and as ‘on it’ as I was but slowly days are brighter. I notice the positive feedback from work or the buzz I get from being back on stage. I have realised I am someone that will always look to share love with people, and I can meet those people anywhere.

I won’t apologise for being a passionate person for life, someone that can sometimes be loud or have high expectations to want to help people. I realised when meeting up with people who refer to characteristics when I was 16 years of age that this can be unhelpful and to surround myself with people who are positive. I am pushing myself to communicating with new people and experience new moments so I can continue to learn. Life is unpredictable. Plans can change, quickly. It’s simple we can choose to be kind to others every day and to ourselves and everything will work out.

I know this is going to be a chapter of my story that I am in charge of writing. And I am hopeful that endings are the start of something new. I am determined to go after what I want and make sure that I step forward otherwise I will remain in the same place. You can move on with your next chapter without forgiving someone and seeking the answers you thought you needed. I also know that I am very lucky and have met my one-day child's future aunts and uncles already before I met their Dad.

‘If you’ve got a chance, take it, take it while you’ve got a chance. If you’ve got a dream, chase it, cos a dream won’t chase you back. If you’re going to love, somebody, hold 'em as long and as strong as you can, til you can't.'