There have been many reasons why this year has been such a challenge for us all. However, it is important for me to not dwell on the negatives.
‘I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?’ quoted by Tom Hanks in Cast Away (2000). I do love this film, if anyone has not watched it, it is another great film staring the legend.
It marks a year on from me starting up a blog and finding the right website to host my own personal blog site. I was very apprehensive about starting one as I had previously wanted to do it but held back as I thought it would be petty. If anyone close to me is reading this, you will know my own personal insecurities about writing. Thank you to everyone who has read some of my posts or reached out to me as it has meant a lot. It has been a difficult year for us all finding the motivation to get ourselves going each day. It has also been a time for appreciation of what we do have, and I know that I have been incredibly lucky for my health and to be surrounded by family and friends throughout this year.
At times it has not felt the right moment to post my blog views due to worrying some may be experiencing the pain of difficulties due to the virus. Everyone’s experience is different. We may all be in this together, but we are indifferent boats, as they say. A few have mega-yachts. Others barely have a life raft. Most of us are somewhere in-between, navigating shifting winds — which, to me, means that everything around me is saying, ‘slow down’ which can be a little unsettling.
I have always been someone who thrives on moving my life forward so being told to stop doing activities has been difficult. It took time to create a balance once again of being busy and working towards goals whilst understanding it will take longer this time. It has always been important to me to be busy as being alone in my own head, can be an exceedingly difficult place.
The year started out for many of us trying to adapt to a new ‘normal’ and all being incredibly creative to continue with our jobs and hobbies in a virtual way. People used the time to improve their homes, lifestyles, and minds. Others used the time to help and support others in need. Initially, from March to September I worked from home proving particularly challenging for me. I started out by creating weekly routines and eating plans. Then I started learning how to use online platforms to teach dance each week and film voiceovers to PowerPoints to send students. We started creating a ‘Wellbeing Wednesday’ at my Secondary School with recipes, gardening, and weekly quizzes to support students and their families.
Many events for all of us were cancelled and we accepted not being able to travel anywhere. I spent my birthday and family’s birthday’s inside being creative again with how to celebrate. I cancelled all plans throughout the year for occasions and trips including theatre visits. We all learnt to post photos and videos of our surrounding nature and find new routes for walks in our local area.
For some, it has been a year of uncertainty. Close friends, family and students have suffered around me with mental health concerns, suffering from the no routine and being stuck inside. Remember to keep reaching out to all our connections as we do not know what they may be going through. It can be exceedingly difficult to see loved ones struggling and unable to make them better. I realised it was less of me fixing their problems but being by there side to support when they reach out for me too.
‘Give yourself permission to unplug and regroup without feeling guilty. You cannot be there for others if you don’t take care of yourself first.’
Summertime the rules were relaxed, and we were able to eat out regularly again which was very enjoyable and lulled me into a sense of returning to ‘normal’. It allowed me time to reconnect with friends I had not seen in a while and start back out with projects I want to undertake. However, it was short-lived with another announcement of lockdown once again in November cancelling events once again including sport outside events.
The announcement of Christmas not happening, and many areas being put into Tier 4 (including London and my family hometown) was difficult for us all to hear. Quickly we all embraced the decision and worked out a way to adapt including me escorting gifts to family’s doorsteps. At times, a painful experience to see people from afar to confirm what I am missing but unable to be closer to. Hopefully, Christmas dinner will happen at Easter time in 2021 which will be special too.
‘Don’t let the hard days win’.
There have been difficult days making it hard to be motivated to create projects or work on ideas that have been stopped continuously. Dance clubs I ran have all be cancelled repeatedly and weekend classes to teach again have all stopped. Previously, I have loved choreography but there have been times I play music and I cannot think of ideas. Being part of musical theatre groups and teaching dance is massively important to my mental health and stopping all of these has been tricky. Also, previous charity work I had just been accepted for in February 2020 was stopped. My Pastoral support role has been ever-changing making it difficult to find structure or a purpose of what can be achieved when so many are suffering.
‘Don’t forget your human, it’s okay to have a meltdown, just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you are heading.’
There have been days that I have felt down as in the last year I have not managed to tick off goals I wanted to achieve and feel disappointed in myself. There are days when I feel helpless to help others around me who are experiencing sadness. There are other times when my anxiety raises its head again and makes me feel I cannot go into work or reply to an email without it being wrong. Sometimes, I wake up after a difficult dream about the past and just feel off centre – does anyone else have this? Dreams can be difficult when they remind you of individuals from the past that you have moved on from. However, I make sure I allow myself that time even if all day to focus on myself and then make sure I reset for the next day to get back up fighting again.
Being reflective on the year I am incredibly proud about my job role at a Secondary School and the relationships I continue to build with students and their families. I am also pleased that my cooking ability has advanced during lockdown which I cannot wait to host a dinner party soon. I am also pleased I completed a BSL Level one course which again is something I want to build on in the upcoming year. I am also very appreciative of the occasions and time that was spent with friends and family that I may have been too busy buried in work to do before. This is something I want to remain and be able to say ‘yes’ to invites throughout the upcoming years ahead.
‘If not now, when?’
I am determined to continue to fight for my long-term goals as I know that when I miss my nan’s presence around me, she is watching over telling me I can achieve them. I will be silently working away at goals and working harder to replace hobbies (even if online). I am excited about ticking off some exciting bucket list goals this year, some of the ideas of what to do before I am thirty! I was lucky enough to get Disney tickets for Christmas from Jack so that will be happening this year which will be great to look forward too. I am also planning to find a good place to have a design I have made into a tattoo this year. I will also be working hard to continue to support the theatre industry who has continued to suffer this year. This year has also allowed me time to confirm what I want to pursue further education and in my working role.
I hope everyone has been able to adjust to this year and is feeling they can tackle whatever the new year will bring to all of us. If you are struggling, I hope you have the courage to reach out to someone as ‘you will be found’ and you are not alone in your thoughts. Please book in events with your friends and family as soon as it becomes possible or write a list of dreams you have when this is over. I hope everyone can cherish memories from this year no matter how small you think they are. Who will start a post-it notes memory jar for 2021?
A quote I always remind myself in difficulties and repeat to students has been especially important when faced with constant unsettled times in 2020.
‘Everything in life is temporary. So, if things are going well, enjoy it because it will not last forever. And if things are bad, do not worry. It can’t last forever’.
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