As it is Mental Health Awareness Week from the 18th to 24th of May I thought it would be the right time for me to reflect on myself and review my own health. Knowing what Anxiety is can be a very tricky concept and one I have never confirmed I know the answer to. If you are to look up the definition of anxiety is would suggest it is your body’s natural response to stress. It is a feeling of fear or apprehension about what is to come.
“Always remember that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing.” — Abraham Lincoln
I remember being told ‘nerves are good for you’ when I was growing up and performing in dance festival competitions. But when I was ten years old I realised I may be finding it harder than some others around me. At Eastbourne festival, there used to be numerous times I would sit clutching my light blue tutu with my head over a toilet before I was going on stage in a couple of numbers time. I would make myself get dressed right at the last minute just so I had something to do to occupy my mind. I certainly would never eat until all my competition dances were over for the day. I spent years growing up and freezing on stage and running off annoyed at myself. It was mortifying repeating this situation year after year when you are too old to be given the chance to repeat your routine as it should not be ‘normal’ to freeze anymore. I would be confronted off stage by my teacher kindly reminding me to ‘come along now, you’re too grown up for this behavior’. And I would go back to the changing room and have friends tell me ‘You could have just made the moves up rather than run off’ or ‘you were doing well but then you messed it up’.
I couldn’t find the words to explain to them all that I didn’t want to feel the overwhelming feeling of sickness, the loss of control of my limbs, or the burning sensation that everyone in the audience was criticising me. I found it difficult even in my teens to not be petrified on stage and found it frustrating not to be able to repeat dances to the same quality from the rehearsal space to the stage. It was easier when performing in a duet or mini-group as I felt I was not alone.
During my teens, it became a blur of emotions throughout. I also used to experience reoccurring dreams which would result in me struggling to sleep properly. One was always a repeating dream about me being pulled through the Fire of London as a child but getting lost. The other was a dream about the ladies’ toilets at my Secondary School where I would open each door and a family member or close friend would be injured behind them. Throughout my teenage years, I also experienced frequent nose bleeds, nearly every other day at times, and they would happen frequently when dancing. Dating was a roller coaster when you are already an anxious person and find social situations overwhelming. I would force myself to go out and comply with trends or social occasions and then return home not being happy or feeling I had let myself down and then spend the evening in a whirlwind of thoughts.
However, practice made perfect and I did learn a lot of ways to support having days where I felt wobblily. I learned daily ways to deal with it and coping mechanisms and learned I needed to practice more than most to be able to turn out dance routines when my mind was thinking of something else. I got used to not eating before competitions and living on fizzy drinks to have the energy to get through it.
When I moved to London the overwhelming feeling of heat, a knotted stomach, and anxiousness seemed to peak. In the early months, I had panic attacks on tubes when I felt I didn’t know what I had to do, or I was lost. I would return home from Dance School and lay on a cold stone floor feeling an overwhelming sensation of nausea and not being able to eat. I became controlling of everything I owned and became OCD with cleanliness and control. I seemed to wake every day anxious towards the day ahead and could not tell myself or do anything to make the feelings go away. I would constantly compare myself to others around me in class and feel like my heart was tight in my chest. I would find going out to restaurants difficult if they did not have what I wanted to order and I’d just order the quickest thing I could think of to deflect any attention on me.
“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.” — Albus Dumbledore
During Dance College at Urdang and London Studio Centre, I struggled a lot with performing and would enter class feeling as if I were a ten-year-old back at the festival. Every morning I could not eat breakfast due to my brain overworking about the first class of the day. I struggled in classes and would hide at the back to try to blend in the background to be unnoticed. I did have a kind contemporary teacher who did support me and noticed when I stepped to the back, I wasn’t comfortable but when I came to the front, he would give me guidance and constructed corrections to improve. I blamed myself as I had decided to step into a world that was all about wearing minimal clothes and receiving criticism to improve but it seemed to be destroying my inner self.
When I handed in my notice to my agent after eighteen months, I felt I had ‘failed’ as I was possibly walking away from what other girls dreamt of achieving (which was my dream until then). It did not feel right and something was missing. I was turning up to auditions to be turned away and unfortunately each hit did take something out of me. I was turning up to auditions feeling exhausted and that it was the last one I could do which of course was not appealing for a director. I also kept being directed to go to video calls and work for T.V which to me was upsetting as I was missing dancing. After leaving I decided I wanted to spend that time going out to discover what other things I enjoyed and close the door on dance for a while.
I joined Explore Learning, a provider of education for children from 4-14 years old, and I set about going from an Assistant Manager to a Centre Director. At Explore Learning I completed a ‘Train the Trainer course’ which was a week’s intensive course which was a fantastic opportunity. On the last day when we were given a chance to receive one-to-one feedback, the kind trainer asked me why I was so harsh on myself which resulted in me crying at her. Again, it was a situation I could not explain that if I don’t push myself and rehearse a presentation over and over then I know I will struggle to get up and perform it. I have always wished I could just jump up and have a go like others around the table but then again, we all have different strengths. When working at Explore Learning I never wanted anything to stop me from running the best centre I could and forced myself to appear confident with any task thrown at me. I would make myself lead trainings and make myself stand in front of groups of parents. I experienced a lot of days of extremely high intensity and situations that I was scrutinised for how I dealt with them.
There are times it can feel suffocating and I wake up already feeling sick and uneasy with life. Daily, in social situations, it can feel you are watching yourself in a situation rather than involved in it. It is as if you are watching yourself in a movie and not answering questions in the way you should be – the brain can play out scenes in your head at the same time. Sometimes I cannot answer the phone as the knot in my throat or chest feels too much to answer a call. It makes me nervous about what they may say or ask and I’m often not in the right headspace to answer.
Recently, I was meeting my dear friend to have afternoon tea which we had pre-booked and received a confirmation email. I arrived first to the restaurant and went up to the desk, already struggling with queasiness due to it being a new setting, I explained I was here for an afternoon tea and gave my name. The lady's reply was very blunt and she looked at me astonished and denied that my friend's name or mine were on the booking and I would need to wait outside until I had further confirmation. This rejection set my anxiety sky high to the point I had to crawl around the block and take all my layers of clothing off as I was sweating, and my heart was racing so fast.
Daily I struggle with changes, even small ones, without feeling I have done something wrong. There are mornings when I wake up and feel overwhelmed with sickness and knots in my chest and throat. It is the feeling of feeling super anxiousness when stepping into a room of stranger or even familiar faces you have not seen in a while. I constantly find social situations daunting and liked them to be planned out in detail for every hour before I head out. It’s needing reassurance from my other half that I can post blogs, or that when we go out his friends will like me or when I achieve something, I need reassurance that it is actually any good. I struggle to answer calls as I do not know what I am expecting on the end or I struggle to make calls to bookings in case I do not know the answers to the questions. I struggle when getting decisions wrong at work or making the wrong call by accident and I must seek clarification that everything is okay even though I did something wrong.
“Occasionally you climb out of bed in the daytime and you think, I am not going to make it, however, you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt like that.” — Charles Bukowski
Even now as I write this, I have an overwhelming fear of being judged and sickness to post it. It took me years of writing bits on my phone to then make a blog and five months of posting to then announce it on Facebook. When I view my opinion on subjects and stop writing or speaking, I then spend the rest of the day concerned I have spoken out of turn and will be judged. Writing my blog has been an escape and a way to break through all the chaos in my mind that sometimes can be a struggle.
I am incredibly lucky now as I am surrounded by people who I care about and understand when I am having a tough day. I also have built up ways to help the situation and ways that work for me to make the feelings subside. Things that work for me are warm drinks, listening to music, smelling vanilla scents, distracting my mind on a creative project, or talking through the moment with someone trusting. There are also great podcasts and books out there including celebrities that have written about how they feel leading up to big events. Have a listen to ‘owning it – the anxiety podcast’ by Caroline Foran. It is worth a listen.
“It’s up to you now to start making healthy choices. Not options that are just healthy for your body, but healthy for your mind.”
Some people out there are fantastic at noticing signs. Even the other day I had a lady on the phone who could tell I was anxious and happily let me prove that Jack was my other half and then let him take the conversation for me. I think it is important to remember to not judge others – I know we say this a lot but to listen to the words. We are quick to assume we know the answers to people's problems or we know what they are experiencing when everyone is different when actually we may not. We listen to what people have to say when we ask if they are okay and not try and force our own views of what may be the right or the wrong way to deal with anxiety. Take this week to reflect on your wellbeing either by writing a poem, blog, or even listening to music. This year’s theme is to ‘be kind’ so reach out to others around you or just remember to be kind to yourself as we are all fighting our own fight.
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